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Feeling like an outsider and the secret to true belonging.
We spend our lives trying to fit in. It isn't until we wake up to the truth that we are denying and unaccepting of ourselves that we will truly belong.
Life has a funny way of mirroring to us what is going on in our internal world by showing it to us on the outside. If we sense that others judge or are unaccepting of who we are, this is pointing to the fact that there is still a part of us that is unaccepting or judgmental of ourselves. Use this for your empowerment. It is a very powerful thing to notice when it comes to belonging.
A personal anecdote. ✨
One of my core stories or wounds was this feeling of being an outsider. This feeling of not fitting in. Can your relate?
This feeling stuck with me from middle school all the way until my mid-twenties, until I finally gained awareness over it and realized that I was going about it in an ineffective way.
It would manifest itself by having multiple friend groups, but never getting close enough to be hurt. I was a bit of a floater in the sense that I hung out with the meditation group, the wake boarding group, the volleyball group, and never had deeper relationships because that would mean that they would see that I'm not like them and that I don't belong.
What I was craving was deep and meaningful relationship in which I could let go and share my inner world, but I wouldn't allow myself to have that as I was afraid of not fitting in.
Staying shallow was a protection mechanism, and having a large amount of friends was a backwards way of trying to validate myself.
In the end all of that work was fruitless because…. I was trying to fix an inside problem with an outside solution which never works.
I didn't know any better at that time as I didn't have the tools or the awareness to uncover the beliefs that were perpetuating this feeling of being an outsider.
Our culture doesn't do a great job of modeling to us how belonging is an inside job. Our capitalist society models that more friends, more money, better looks, and more success will get rid of the feeling of unworthiness or that we don't belong.
Luckily, the truth is only we have the power to do that from the inside out. Buying a new car, new dress, making a new friend are only bandaids. The true work is resides within us.
It wasn't until I exhausted all the other options that I realized that I was the common denominator in every situation in my life where I felt like I didn't belong. Then I woke up the fact that I had been doing this to myself all along. I was projecting that reality and it wasn't the projector screen that was broken, it was the lens on the projector itself.
I finally understood that I was rejecting myself and that no one else was rejecting me. And thank goodness that i was responsible for this as I only have dominion over my own actions.
"I needed to feel a sense of belonging to myself first, and from that place I would no longer seek outside validation from others."
What I hope you take away from this is that... when we belong to ourselves first, deeper and more authentic connection with others is also available to us. From this place you can truly share your heart and who you are with others, rather than trying to fit within their values or how you think they want you to be.
What I want for you is to recognize your power to belong to yourself and jump off the rat race of seeking belonging in others. That will come once you belong to yourself.
✨ Take personal responsibility understanding the only one who has the power to reject you is yourself.
✨ Know that life is your teacher and will mirror to your on the outside what you feel on the outside. If you feel like you don't belong on the inside, you will experience that on the outside until you've done your inside work.
✨Allow yourself to feel that fully, ironically when we allow ourselves to feel the emotions that go with being an outcast we can then access a deeper sense of belonging.
When we belong to ourselves first, we show up more authentically in life. We don't get thrown out of the game as quickly and aren't as sensitive to whether or not other people approve of us.
"The only approval you need is your own."
If this has been a core story for you and you are ready to take back your power and give yourself the validation and approval you have been searching for, it would be an honor to support you in shifting from the inside out.
My invitation is that you schedule a complimentary clarity session! It would be a pleasure to speak with you and share what is possible in your life! ✨
With gratitude,
Carolina
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